


Holding it In

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Gen, M/M, Secrets, hearing loss, implied past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:22:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7814095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He slammed both fists onto the ledge, “I screwed up!  I was more worried about losing respect that about caring for this team as a whole!  I’m sorry!  I can’t fix it!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Aaron Hotchner stood on the roof staring out at the clouds drifting across the blue sky.  The sun felt warm on his skin and he smiled softly at a bird hopping along the ledge.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw the access door open and his friend step out.  He knew there would have been a click as the door opened and a metallic thunk as it shut again.  He knew there would be crunching as the older many slowly walked to stand by him.  He knew it was there, but he knew he couldn’t hear it.

David Rossi stood silently for several minutes, taking in the sky.  “Now that I know, I see it.”

Hotch raised his chin slightly in acknowledgement but said nothing.

“You can see the door standing here.  That’s why I didn’t startle you now, not because you heard me coming.”

“Yeah.”

Rossi nodded and took a long breath, “You’ve been compensating for a while now.  Standing with your back to the corner, adjusting how you talk to people.”  He studied his friend, “How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long ago did you suspect you were losing your hearing?”

He shuffled his feet and glanced down at the pavement eight stories below, “Three, maybe four years.”

Dave turned fully and gaped at him.

“At first it was little things; more ringing in my ears, certain times of day it felt like my ears were stuffy.”  He sighed, “I didn’t want to admit it.”

“Did you ever talk to a doctor?”

“Not at first.  I finally went a year ago.  They seriously recommended…”

The older agent nodded, “So for a year you’ve known for sure.”  He frowned, “You put us all at risk.”

“I know.”

“You’ve been driving.”

“I know, Dave.”

“Leading raids, the comms…”

“Dammit Dave!”  He slammed both fists onto the ledge, “I screwed up!  I was more worried about losing respect that about caring for this team as a whole!  I’m sorry!  I can’t fix it!”  He slumped forward, resting his elbows on the ledge.  Rossi could hear the tears in his voice, “I want to fix this.  But I can’t.”

He put one arm across the younger man’s back, holding both shoulders and steadying him, “You have to try.”  He felt the body in his hands tremble and then collapse, turning to slide down the wall.

Hotch sat curled, knees to chest, hands in his hair, “I don’t think I can,” he gasped.

Dave grabbed his shoulders again, “You knew you couldn’t hear us, that’s on you, but you wouldn’t have been in there to begin with if he hadn’t rushed ahead.  And you tried to find him, yes?”  He waited for a nod, “You need to explain everything and take whatever comes after that.  I’m pretty sure at least a couple of them are out for flesh though.”

Aaron felt himself gasping for air and could feel the dark spots creeping in that told him he wasn’t breathing properly.

Rossi squeezed his shoulders, “You’re hyperventilating, Aaron.  You’re panicking, you need to calm down!  Aaron!” 

Hotch felt the man turn as his attention shifted elsewhere, but didn’t look up.  Suddenly Dave pulled back and another body settled carefully beside him.

“I will forgive you.  In time.”

Aaron stiffened and pulled away, realizing who had joined them.

“Is it why you broke things off?” Spencer asked.

Hotch swallowed audibly.

Spencer nodded.  “I would have helped you deal with it.  I’m not sure I can help you now though.  Does Jack know?”

“No.  Not officially anyway.”  His voice was raw and broken.

“First, you need to tell him what’s happening with the only parent he has left.  Then you need to go to the doctor.  And remove yourself from field work.”

Hotch finally looked up with tear filled eyes.  “I can resign.”

“No.  These scars will last forever, maybe that reminder will keep you from making choices that only benefit yourself in the future.”

A stiff hand cradled Aaron’s cheek and he squeezed his eyes shut, leaning in to the touch.  “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.”  Spencer lowered his hand and stood again.

Aaron stared up at him, tracing the burn scars that started below his left eye and descended past the collar of his shirt.  Aaron know the scars ran down his former lover’s arm to his visible hand and down his side to his hip.  Spencer’s determination after the accident had led to his quick release from the hospital and his top of the line care. 

They had been in Maryland searching for a missing child when, while waiting for backup, the two of them had smelled smoke.  Reid had decided the risk of losing the girl was too great and took off into the building with Hotch in pursuit.  When the back portion of the building had collapsed, pinning Reid and leaving him only partly exposed to flame, Hotch hadn’t heard Reid calling for him and hadn’t heard the calls over the comm for his location.

After the doctors declared Spencer stable, the truth started to come out.  Aaron decided the team’s focus should be on their injured teammate so he left the hospital and put in for extended leave, took Jack and left.

Father and son had been gone three weeks, Hotch making sure to leave no track for Garcia to track.  Today had been his first day back and he had returned to a frigid welcome as everyone moved to surround Spencer and keep them apart.

“Before I can forgive you.”  Spencer started, “You need to forgive yourself.  Can you do that?”

Hotch shook his head.

“Come on.”  He offered both hands.  “I will walk down with you.  I’ve already said my piece to them.”

Hotch stood and looked around for Rossi.

Reid frowned, “He went back downstairs.  Exactly how bad is your hearing?”

“Umm… moderate down to severe loss, left is better than my right.”

“Okay.  I wish you would have talked to me.  Morgan is out for blood, but I think I’ve talked him down.  Garcia I can’t make promises on through.  You not only lied and risked our safety, but then you hid from her.”

He followed the other man back down the stairs and into the bullpen where the remainder of the team stood.


	2. Chapter 2

It took two days before Morgan confronted him privately. 

Hotch was on his morning jog through Rock Creek Park when someone grabbed his shoulder from behind.  His forward momentum and rapid rotation sent both he and his attacker to the ground.  Winded from the fall, Hotch turned to defend against an attack only to see his subordinate on the ground beside him.

“Morgan?”

“Damn.”  He pushed up, wiping the dirt from his hands and knees.  “I called your name, man.  I swear.”

Hotch waved off the hand offered and pushed himself up.  He glanced around to see if anyone had seen their fall as he tried to catch his breath.  “Sorry.  I didn’t know it was you.”

“I came out here to yell at you man.  I’m so pissed at you right now, but…”  He turned a minute and walked a few feet, punching the air. 

Hotch thought he saw him say something. “What?”

The younger agent faced his boss full on, “Have you been back to the doctor yet to get fitted?”

Hotch shook his head, “Not yet, no.”

“Got an appointment at least?”

He considered his answer, but figured hiding things and being evasive wouldn’t fly any more. “Yeah, Saturday morning.”

Morgan nodded, “You didn’t drive here did you?”

“I biked.”

He motioned for Hotch to follow him along the trail, “How far do you have left?”

“Two more miles.”

“Well, I may want to kill you right now, but I don’t want to see you get hurt out here because you didn’t hear something coming or hit by a car on your way back.  Come on, I’ll run it with you.”  He started to jog ahead.

Hotch started to pace him but stopped, “Why?”

Morgan turned around, “If I walk away now and you get hurt?  I have to answer to Garcia.  And probably Reid.”  He turned back and resumed his jog.  Eventually the older man fell into step beside him.

When they came back to the parking lot, Morgan pulled out two bottles of water and passed one over before sitting at a picnic table, “I need to say my peace now.”

Hotch nodded, he’d been expecting it.  Morgan was fiercely protective of the young man he saw as his little brother.  “Just,” He bit his lip, “Face me.”

He sighed and ran a hand over his face, “I can do that.”  He waited until Hotch joined him.  “Rossi said you’ve known a long time and were hidin’ it.  Is that true?”

“Yes.”

“What if somethin’ ‘d happened like today?  We startled you but you shot someone?  If you’d a been straight with us, we’d a helped you man!  You had to know that!”  His jaw clenched, “After all this team’s been through together, do you really thing we would’a just let them send you away for somethin’ like this? And with all Garcia can do, you didn’t think she could figure somethin’ out?”

Hotch nodded.

“Now Reid will walk around with scars forever and while some of that is on him for rushin’ in, he didn’t have all the facts.  He didn’t know that if somethin’ happened, you wouldn’t be able to hear him.  Maybe he would’a rushed in anyway, maybe not, but he would’a been making that decision with all the information.”  He stood; Hotch could see the tension pulsing through him.  “I just want’a slug you so bad.”  He started to walk away.

“Okay.”

Morgan stopped short, “Okay?  Okay?  That’s okay wit’ you?  That I’m so pissed I want’a hit you, man?”

“Yes.”  Hotch knew he’d screwed up and knew he should just take what was coming.

“If that’s how you feel, then stand up and take it.”  Morgan was still surprised when Hotch rose and moved to stand in front of him, eyes open and arms outstretched.  “You serious?”

“Yes.” 

Morgan was still surprised the man didn’t even flinch when his fist connected with his face.  It was going to leave one hell of a shiner. He drew back and landed two swift blows to the man’s abdomen and watched him fold in but remain standing.  He hesitated a fraction of a moment before sending a blow to the underside of his jaw and then to his ribs.

Hotch didn’t try to block the blows or fight back.  The only sounds he made were from impacts to soft tissue.  When a blow left him seeing stars, he stumbled nearly to his knees.  The attack felt like it lasted an hour, but likely only took ten minutes before he finally crumpled to the ground.

Morgan was mid swing when his boss sank to the ground and tried to pull his punch but still connected with the side of the man’s head.  He stared in confusion, breathless until he realized Hotch was crying.  Morgan sank to his knees and tried to roll him over, “Hey.  Why didn’t you even block my shots?  Talk to me, man.”  When he got no response, he dug his fingers under his shoulders and rolled him onto his back.  The agent beneath him simply cried. 

Morgan waited until Hotch calmed, “You think this is some kind of penance?  You need to be punished for what happened?” He pulled him to a seated position, “Well, I’ve really worked you over now.”  He stood and paced, “Shit.”

Hotch watched him moving, “What.”

“Reid made me promise to keep it civil.  He said you were upset enough over all this.  I didn’t think he was serious.  Would…”

Hotch raised a painful eyebrow.

“If I hadn’t a stopped then, would you have stopped me?”

“…No.”  He replied softly. 

Morgan watched as his superior eased himself up, wincing as he moved, holding an arm to his side and stomach.  “Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“Hotch.”

"No.  But if you are insisting, you could drop me home so I don’t have to bike like this.”

Morgan nodded and went to fetch Hotch’s bike and load it up.  When he returned, the other man was easing into his truck.  He rounded to the driver’s side and opened his door in time to hear Hotch hiss in pain.  “What’s wrong?”

“It hurts just here.”  Hotch indicated under his ribs on the left.

“Anywhere else?”

“Everywhere.  My shoulder too.”

Morgan started the vehicle, frowning.  He didn’t say a word as he put the truck in gear and drove to the hospital.

Hotch looked at where they were, “No, Morgan.”

“You don’t look good; I may have really hurt you.”  Morgan parked by the door and tried to help him out.  When Hotch began to list to one side and seem to fade out, Morgan shouted for help.

Ten minutes later, Morgan found himself sitting in the hall when a nurse approached.

“Your friend got pretty roughed up, was he is a fight?”

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No, he’s been unconscious since we got him on the gurney.  How did this happen?”

“There was a fight.  Is he okay?”

“He’s on his way up for surgery for a probable ruptured spleen.  It looks like it was enlarged and then suffered trauma.”

Morgan shut his eyes, trying to not focus on what could have happened if he’d taken Hotch straight home like the man had asked.  “Enlarged?  From what?”

“A host of things; infection, alcohol abuse.  We’ve made a call to his medical proxy, they should be here shortly to sign the paperwork, but at this point it’s a life threatening situation.”

Morgan nodded in understanding and watched the nurse leave.  He couldn’t believe he’d put his own boss in the hospital. He decided to sit and wait, planning his apology for when Hotch woke up.

“What happened?”  A voice demanded as it approached.

Morgan looked up and swallowed.


	3. Chapter 3

He’d been surprised to get a phone call asking him if he was Aaron Hotchner’s medical proxy.  He’d actually figured he’d been removed from that status a long time ago.  As the nurse explained that Hotch had been involved in some sort of assault and was being taken to the O.R. for a ruptured spleen, all he could think about was getting to the hospital as fast as possible.

He’d jogged into the E.R. and had gotten directions to the elevators.  As he rounded the last corner, he saw a familiar face, “What happened?”

Morgan looked up and swallowed.  “Hotch just went into surgery.”

“Ruptured spleen, I know.  They said he was assaulted?  Were you with him?”  When he saw that no reply was forthcoming, “Morgan?  What happened?”

“I caught up with him on his run.  He was out there alone and didn’t hear me coming so I told him I’d finish he jog with him.  Afterward I laid into him, said I was pissed.  He just let me rant; no excuses and then I said I felt like hitting him.”

“You hit him?”  He was torn between incredulous and angry.

Morgan nodded, “I took a swing and he didn’t fight back so I took another one.  He just stood there and I kept swingin’.”

“I…”  He threw his hands in the air, “I don’t even know what to say.  You beat him up so bad that now he’s in surgery!”

“I know that, man!  I didn’t realize where his head was at until I stopped.  He was just letting me beat the crap out of him.  Had I known..”

“Had you known?”

“Had I known he was that messed up about it, I wouldn’t have done anything.”  Morgan nearly shouted.

A nurse stepped off the elevator, “Mister Reid?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”  Spencer stepped forward.

“Mister Hotchner is going to recover.  We couldn’t find any signs of infection that would have caused the spleen to have been enlarged.  He’s in recovery if you’d like to come see him?”

“Yes, please.”  Reid turned to his friend, “Go home.  I’ll take care of this.”

Morgan tried to argue but was met with a frosty glare.

=====

By the time Spencer arrived on the right floor, Hotch had been moved to his own room.  He froze in the doorway at the sight of the man’s bruised and mangled face.

“He’s pretty beaten up.”  The nurse filled in from over his shoulder.  “Face, chest, abdomen, sides, back.  No defensive wounds though.”

Reid sighed, “May I sit till he wakes up?”

“Yes.”

He crossed the room and gently moved the sheet, getting a look at the injuries littering his body.  He swore he would kick Morgan into next year for this.  It was no wonder Hotch had ended up with a ruptured spleen, especially if he wasn’t attempting to block shots. He read over Hotch’s chart until he noticed movement in the bed, “Hotch?”

Aaron’s eyes blinked open and he squinted against the light, “Reid?  What are you doing here?  What happened?”

“You don’t remember?  You let Morgan beat you to a pulp and ended up having emergency surgery.  I told him to leave you alone, how did it get to this?”

“I don’t know.”

Spencer sat on the edge of the bed, “I’m worried about you.  Where we stand on everything else doesn’t change that.  I’ll deal with Morgan later and once everyone else sees you, I’m sure he’ll get an earful somewhere.  Morgan said he met up with you to talk, to vent.  He was pissed, I get that, but he shouldn’t have hit you and you shouldn’t have let him.”

“My bad choices…”

“Your choices,” He cut him off, “did not cause me to get these injuries.  I went in that building assuming you would follow, but I didn’t check that you would.  I took that risk and I was hurt already even if you had found me right away.”  Spencer sighed, “I really don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.  I’m okay now; you don’t have to stick around.”

“The hospital called me…I’m still your proxy.  I would have thought you would have changed that.”

Hotch took a ragged breath, “No, there’s no one I…”

Spencer frowned but nodded.

“I have an appointment this weekend, would…. Would you…”  He chewed his lip.  “Would you go with me?”

“Yes.”

Hotch gave him a surprised look.

“First and foremost, you are my friend, Aaron.  If you need a friend for that, I’ll be there.  At least you’ll have plenty of time to adjust to hearing aids before going back to work.”

“Why?”

Spencer smirked, “Your recovery is going to be like two months.  Once those good drugs I’m sure they have you on wear off, you’re going to hurt like hell too.  Morgan is worried about you.  He expressed some…concerns when I got here?”

“Morgan stayed?”

“Yeah, though I’m guessing that means the doctors don’t know exactly how you came to be in the state you’re in.  If Strauss finds out what happened, she’ll put one of you off the team for good.  You’re going to have to file for medical leave though.”  He glanced down as his phone rang, “Hold on.”

Hotch watched his former boyfriend step into the hall, but stay near the door where he could overhear snippets of the conversation.  Just as the medicine was causing him to drift off again, Reid returned, slipping his phone away.

“That was Rossi, Morgan called him.  He wants to look at you before he meets with Morgan in person.  He also mentioned something else.”  Spencer glanced into the hall and back again.

“What?”

“Do you recall the last time one of us went to the hospital on non work hours?”

Hotch closed his eyes, “Garcia.”

“Rossi called her trying to be casual, but she’s already been alerted by her computer.  He said to brace for company.”  Spencer heard footsteps down the hall,  “Too late.”


	4. Chapter 4

Penelope Garcia had long ago made it her mission to do everything in her power to protect those that were part of her family.  Part of that power was to set up alerts should any of them ever be admitted to a hospital.  She was getting ready for her day when her laptop went off; signaling one of her various alerts had been triggered.

“Oh no.”  She started at the screen, “That can’t be.”  There is was, Aaron Hotchner had been admitted to the hospital a little over an hour prior.  Garcia started gathering her gear, plotting a change of course to the hospital.  Just as she was heading out the door her phone rang.  “What?”

“Hey, Garcia.  I was calling to check up on you.”  Rossi’s voice filled her ear.

“I can’t talk, I have to go.  Something’s happened to Hotch.”

She thought she heard his swear, “Are you sure?”

“I got an alert, he’s been admitted to the hospital.  I’m headed there now.”

“Garcia.”

“No, I have to go find out what’s going on!”  She disconnected the call and took off out the door.

At the hospital, she dropped mention of being with the FBI, and prayed Hotch wouldn’t be mad about it, to get his room number and directions.  She only hesitated a moment when the nurse asked her if the Bureau was investigating what had happened.  She did her best to race through the halls, finally stopped where Reid was standing in the doorway.

“Garcia, you didn’t have to come, I’m with him.”

She tried the push him aside, “This is the post surgical floor, what happened?  Is he awake?”

“I will answer your questions in a little bit if you would just go sit down and….”

“Reid, let her in.”  A voice cut him off.

She took Reid’s moment of hesitation at the command to slip past and came to a halt at the foot of a bed.  “Oh dear god.”

Hotch tried to smile, “Garcia.”

She dropped her things by a chair, “What happened?”

He glanced at Reid, who looked ready to drag her out by force, “Can you give us a minute?”

Spencer started to refuse, but nodded and left, pulling the door shut behind him.

Aaron put out his right hand, “Sit please.”  He pointed at a chair.

She stepped up and glanced at the chair before deciding to settle on the bed near his hip.  Calmer this time, she asked, “What happened?”

“Karma, I guess?”  He tried to smile.

She frowned at him and looked him over, “What was the surgery for?”

“Uhh, ruptured spleen.”

Garcia sighed, “Other injuries?”

“Judging from the pain?  I’m probably pretty well bruised on my chest and abdomen, sides,” He shifted a bit, “back.  And then what you can see on my face and head.”

“Who did this?”

He shook his head.

“Hey, I’m a super geek, remember?  I know what getting beat up looks like.  Who did this?”

Hotch averted his eyes.

Garcia studied him, “You don’t want to say, which means I know the person.  Reid’s here and really I doubt he has the kind of stamina it would take for more than a few blows.  Em or Jay woulda  left boot prints.”  She watched him flinch, “Morgan or Rossi then.”  When he swallowed, she continued, “This is that moment when I ask what the other guy looks like.”

Hotch didn’t respond so she reached over and gently took both of his hands in hers. 

He didn’t think much of her turning his hands over, “There’s no bruises here, no split knuckles.”  She looked up into his eyes, “I will kill Morgan so dead not even you will be able to find him.”

He pulled his hand back and groaned from the jerking movement, “I didn’t say it was Morgan.”

“I can’t see Rossi doing this.  I never would have thought Morgan would do this.”

“I asked him to.”

“You what?”

He flinched at the high pitch her voice had taken, “I asked him to hit me.”

Her face grew dark and she opened her mouth several times to speak before hopping off the bed and starting to pace.

Hotch watched her move around the room and kept silent.

Eventually she returned to where she’d been sitting and leaned forward, bracing herself with a hand on either side of him, “I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.  Got it?”

He nodded.

“This team, all of you, are my family.  You’re all I have.  I’m fully aware each of you has the biggest self-destructive streaks in the history of ever, but this has to stop.  Today.  I’m throwing a flag on the whole situation.  From now on we are all nice and polite and kind to each other.  And to ourselves.”  She sat back as the doctor entered the room.

The doctor glanced at the woman on the bed and then to his patient, “How are we doing Mister Hotchner?  Much pain?”

“I’m okay.”  He caught Garcia’s glare, “The pain’s not bad.”

The doctor pretended to ignore the exchange, familiar with stubborn patients.  “You’ll be staying for a few days so we can keep an eye on the surgical site.  The paperwork here says these injuries are all the result of an assault?  Will the police need access to your records for prosecution?”

“No.  There won’t be a police report.”

The doctor hesitated and took in his patient’s body language and excused himself from the room.

Garcia looked at her watch and stood, “I need to go soon, but I think I will be back later and we will talk.”

He watched her gather her things, “Penelope?”

She turned back to him.

“Thanks.”

=====

Spencer returned to find Hotch asleep again.  He decided to take advantage of the time and call Rossi again.

“How’s it going there?”

“He’s asleep, not sure when Garcia left.”

“She hasn’t turned up at work.”  He adjusted the phone, “Everyone else is at their desk working.”

“Everyone?”

“Yeah.  I’m not going to add to the upheaval that’s been happening.”

“No.  I’ll call Morgan and ask him to stop by tonight.  I need to set everything right.  He did this to protect me in some weird way, but we need to back up and start over.  I’m going to take Hotch to the doctor this weekend if he’s discharged by then.”

“Good.  How does he look?”

Spencer glanced at the man in the bed, “Honestly?”

“Please.”

“Bad.”

Rossi inhaled sharply.  “I spoke to Jessica.  I didn’t give details but she’s got Jack under control.  He’s going to want to see his dad though.”

“Let’s get through today.”

=====

Hotch flinched and groaned as a stab of pain woke him up.  While he was asleep, he could forget about his injuries.  He turned back onto his back and cracked his eyes open, surprised to see the person sitting in his room.  “Hey.”

The other man looked up, “Hey.”

“How long was I out?”

“I dunno.  I’ve been here an hour.”

“Sorry.”

“No, listen.”  Morgan shifted in his seat, “I’m sorry.  I was so far out of line.  I wish none of this ever happened, but it did and we have to move forward.”

“Been talking to Garcia?”  His voice was still gravelly.

Morgan nodded, “She made sure we all knew any further negativity would be met with an inability to prove employment or citizenship.

Hotch laughed which turned to a groan.

“I think you and I need to talk though.”  He took a breath, “It felt like you didn’t trust us.  We carry each other’s deepest, darkest secrets; even the ones we never actually speak of.  We read each other day in and day out, see each other more than our own families.  Some of us don’t even have other families.

“I get how hard it is to open up, but… Reid was so hurt when you started pushing away.  He came to me worried he’d done something.  I told him to just be patient.  He would have run into that building anyway.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.  He would have weighed the odds of something happening against the odds of losing the girl.  He would have gone in.  We all would have.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you into doing it.”

Morgan frowned, “Why did you man?”

“When they pulled Reid from the building, I thought he was dead.  Then when the doctors told us his injuries, I felt so guilty.  You guys were all reassuring me there was nothing I could have done but I knew better.”  Hotch adjusted his blanket, “Then Reid said he had been calling for me, could see me…I knew he was suffering because of me.”

“So you figured leaving was the best choice?”

Hotch nodded.  “Reid needed everyone’s focus.”

“We looked for you.  Garcia looked for you.  She saw you had taken out cash, a lot of cash.”

“I bought gift cards and a phone to reach Jessica if I needed to.  We got a rental car and went and rented a place on the beach.”

The younger man sat back in his seat, unsure what to say.

“Garcia sent me emails every day.  I was able to open them and get updates.  I knew Reid was coming back to work.”

“So you came back.”

“I needed to set things right.”

“Well, I wanted to start by saying I’m sorry for doing this.”

Both men sat in silence until a knock at the door drew their attention.  “May I come in?”  Rossi asked.

“Sure, I was just going.”  Morgan stood.

“Don’t let me rush you out.”

“No, I think we’re done.”  He turned for confirmation from the man in the bed.  When he got a nod, he patted Rossi’s shoulder and left.

Dave settled into the vacated chair, “You look like hell.”

Hotch sighed and put his head back against the pillow.

“Did it help?”

“Not really, no.”

“Self harm rarely does.  Not in the long run anyway.”

“Self harm?  How is this self harm?”

“Morgan may have been the one swinging, but you practically begged him to.  Tell me I’m wrong.”

Aaron remained silent.

“There’s a lot going on in this.  I think you and Reid need to have a few very long conversations.  I think you also need to talk to someone else.”  Rossi watched his friend chew the inside of his lip.  “I don’t often exert my rank, but in this I would be willing to.  We can’t have a person on our team with a death wish.”

“I don’t have a death wish.”

“No? You asked Morgan to take you home.  What, exactly, do you think would have happened once you got there?  All alone with your son?” 

“I didn’t think about it.”

“I know.  All you thought about was the amount of pain you were in and how you deserved it.”


	5. Chapter 5

Spencer quietly watched his ex-lover attempt to putter around his own kitchen.  It had been two weeks since his fight with Morgan and he was still stiff and sore.

“I do know you’re there.”  Hotch said without turning around.

Spencer smirked and strode in, Hotch was already adjusting to life aided, “I know.  How do you feel today?”

Aaron turned and leaned against the counter, “Better.  About the only place that still hurts is the surgical site and that doesn’t hurt much.”

“Good.”  He took a seat at the table.  “Can we talk?”

“Sure,” he joined him. 

“I want to be honest here, Aaron.  I miss you.  I miss what we had.  I would like for there to come a time when we can start again and see if what we had is worth holding onto.”

“Why?”

“Because for some crazy reason I love you.  I have for a long time.”  He took a deep breath, “I think you’re going to realize at some point you still love me and that you will need more help and when you do, just know you just have to call.”

Aaron nodded.  “I am sorry.”

“I know you are.”

“And I do love you; I realized that the day of the accident.  I realized I was stupid for pushing away the one person who would stand by me through anything.”

Spencer stood and pulled Aaron in for a hug.  “And I always will.”


End file.
